How's your heart?

How’s your heart?

I was first asked this question in college one night when my friend Katelyn put it bluntly, “how’s your heart?” It was my junior year of college and while I don’t remember the details of why my heart felt heavy that day, I do remember the sincerity and safety I found in the faces of the girls in that room, waiting patiently as I tripped over words through choked back cries and disjointed feelings flashing before me. I was given space to be messy, process, doubt, ask for help, and be encouraged (scroll to the bottom to see these amazing ladies <3).

If you’re here for the updates about the incredible and miraculous things CDV has done in the last month, I’ll get to that in a moment, but I wanted to highlight something that’s been a true blessing for me in this season. I’ve talked about ambiguity and lack of clarity - frankly, most of what I said didn’t make much sense either - and it got me thinking about this: what things are clear in this season?

Well, my purpose is clear - love people, and love them well. My attempts to love others well were met with others doing the same. Every Tuesday night for 12 consecutive weeks, I met with my friend Sarah plus about ten incredible women in Peru on a zoom call named “Tea and Faith.” The idea was to create a space to pause and reflect on what the Lord was/is showing us and foster digital community - but a community nonetheless. Each week I’d arrive with a similar countenance to that of when I was in college that day - dejected, exhausted, worn out. Once everyone popped up in the zoom call, it was as if they all were asking me the same thing without saying a word: “how’s your heart?” I experienced the same safety every Tuesday night, to be honest, raw, tired, angry, and broken without any retaliation or judgment. Rushing waves of peace and joy would seep into my weary soul as I’d hear others in the group share what’s weighing on their hearts, followed by the rest chiming in to encourage and lift their spirits. 

The era of “Tea and Faith” has come and gone, much like my “finding myself” years in college, but you know what’s clear to me? No matter where I am physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, or whatever other adverb you want to throw in, God has never failed to strategically place people in my life with whom I can be vulnerable. In the wildly unpredictable last year and a half, and what I presume to be a similarly unpredictable future, I am confident that my people will be with me. The right people. For a moment, for a season, or for a lifetime, I need ‘em. That’s clear. I need people.

In years past, I would “suffer in silence” and let nobody know my real truth in those moments. Although I have a terrible poker face, I managed to hide what was heavy. However, everything would come crashing down, my walls, excuses, justifications, after one tender and honest question: “hey, how are you?” or “are you doing ok?” or what’s turned into “how’s your heart?” These floods of emotion and release of exhausted energy brought me to a conclusion: I don’t just want people in my life, I need them. That revelation both liberated and terrified me. 

Independence has permeated my personality since I was born, and to now say “I need people” meant I’d have to rely on others that are just as broken. Or at least that’s what I thought at first. What I’ve begun to discover is that it’s not so much the brokenness or fallacies found in my fellow humans that I’m to depend on, but the presence and just “being human” - together. Gone are the days of isolation and creating a sophisticated system of self-protection to shield me from the whiplash of other traumas and ripple effects of my own. I’ve seen healing in being broken together, letting people in, even with the risk that brings.

My life’s far from perfect, and the same goes for my relationships. That being said, I believe companionship is what we’re made for, and willingness to be vulnerable with our imperfections is what binds us together. For me, it starts with “how’s your heart?” For others, it may be opening up about hard memories, going for a walk with a sibling, or simply getting a big bear hug. I hope you have people in your life that are just that: your people. If you don’t see them, I pray your eyes are opened to those around you that truly want to walk through life by your side. 

I never really know how to end these musings, but thank you for hearing my heart. How’s yours?

[Note: I mentioned updates about my life as a missionary + CDV. If you would like to know more, please sign up for my newsletter below and you’ll see fresh updates in an inbox with your name on it <3]

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These are my girls that introduced me to “how’s your heart?” [Standing: Dailey, Katelyn, Kalista, Jess, Daniela. Sitting: Erin, me]